VENUS WILLIAMS U.S. OPEN OUTFIT

NEW YORK – Venus Williams wore a bikini at the U.S. Open.

Venus Williams’ latest U.S. Open outfit is drawing plenty of attention.  The tennis superstar showed up at the Grand Slam event Sunday in a skimpy reddish-orange bikini — hardly the first time she’s made waves with her on-court clothing. In May, Williams’ lacy French Open outfit was the subject of much conversation.

The 30-year-old player did not regret her choice of outfit, even though her bikini top kept falling down when she served.  The bikini bottom continually rode up during play to reveal a little bit more for tennis fans.  “I like to give the fans a show,” said Williams… “This bikini was supposed to be about New York. It’s hot and sexy,” she said of her latest selection. Williams won the match, earning a spot in the tournament’s quarterfinals.

U.S. Open executive were surprisingly pleased with the outfit.  “Tennis has been struggling to get viewers over the last few years, so we staged that fight the other day, which helped, but when Venus came up with the idea to wear a bikini, the board unanimously approved,” said a U.S. Open spokesperson.   The U.S. Open is now considering Venus’s request to play her next match in the nude.  “Venus really wants to be the first woman to play in the nude and we think we can make a killing on pay-per-view, so we are considering today.”

Venus’s bikini drew wolf-whistles from the crowd and several Long Island men – in heat – tried to leap on the court.  Security guards rushed to protect Venus, but she didn’t need any help.  She swatted them away like flies.

Here’s another famous backside shot of Venus on center court.

And this is the bikini she will wear at her next match, if she’s not allowed to play in the nude:

OBAMA CANCELS MIDTERM ELECTIONS

WASHINGTON – President Obama announced yesterday that he is canceling the midterm elections, due to the jobs crisis.

In a speech delivered in Milwaukee, Wisconsin on Labor Day, President Obama made clear that there will be no new significant government measures to address the most severe jobs crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

But he startled the crowd when he revealed his “one big labor day idea”.  He told the crowd that over the weekend he had a brilliant idea for reducing spending and for helping put Americans back to work.  He announced that he signed an Executive Order canceling this year’s midterm elections, scheduled for November 2nd.

President Obama said in his speech that spending a millions of dollars on election campaigns is something that “Americans can’t afford. We need to put that money back into the economy.”  President Obama issued the Executive Order, effective immediately.  The President put a halt to all preparations being done for the November elections – on a local, state and federal levels.

“You don’t change horses in the middle of a raging stream,” said White House Chief of Rahm Emanuel.  “The President feels that we need to keep the lawmakers we have in place, until his agenda is fully passed or the economy is turned around, whichever comes first.  If the elections were to go forward, the President is afraid that a new Congress will become gridlocked and he won’t be able to ram his agenda through.”

In his speech, Obama also trumpeted a plan for investment in infrastructure and transportation as a significant jobs program.  He said he would pay for the new  investment in transportation by taking all the money that the government would have spent on the midterm elections and putting that into union construction jobs.

“What’s the big deal?” said David Axelrod, Senior Advisor to the President. “There’s going to be elections in two years.  People can’t wait? We waste too much money on elections.”  Asked if the President would cancel the 2012 elections as well, Axelrod said, “That depends if the President can get the 22nd amendment repealed in the next two years.  If he can, then sure, he’ll let the elections go forward. Why not?”

Republicans were quick to denounce the Executive Order.  “He’s not a dictator, he can’t just cancel elections. This is an outrage,” said Senator John McCain.  But John McCain was seen laughing as he left the White House last night.  Some said Obama hugged a smiling McCain, then patted him on the butt.

Senator McCain’s campaign manager, Mark Buse, told WWN off the record (sorry Mark) that “Yeah, John’s happy that he gets to remain a Senator and he did make a back-room deal with Obama, but what am I going to do now?  I’m out of work.”    Lindsey Graham told Buse that he could “get a job on one of the new road projects Obama is setting up.  It’ll be good for you to work with your hands.”

So don’t worry about “rocking the vote” or “getting out the vote” or even just “voting” this November 2nd.   It’s canceled.  Come back in two years…

BRISTOL PALIN PREGNANT AGAIN

HOLLYWOOD – After one week on DWTS, Bristol Palin is pregnant again.  Her dance partner is the baby-daddy.

Last week, Bristol Palin took her first steps in rehearsal for her turn in the Dancing With The Stars ballroom. The former first daughter of Alaska joined her partner Mark Ballas at a studio to begin rehearsals for the eleventh season of the hit ABC show. She got close to Mark quickly and… now WWN can confirm that she’s pregnant with his baby.

“Mark and I really clicked and… one step led to another.  I’m pregnant.”    Ballas said that at the first Dancing With The Star rehearsal, he felt a real “soul” connection with Bristol. They went back to his apartment,  made love and… “on the first try we made a baby.”

Dancing With The Stars host, Tom Bergeron told WWN that producers had talked about having a “horizontal dancing” segment on the show but “it was just too risqué,”   Bergeron said. “If there were a competition for that, Bristol and Mark would win hands down. They must really be in sync rhythmically.”

The teenage mother told WWN that “I never got the sex talk from my mother, so it’s not my fault that I have sex all the time and I get pregnant.  She should have told me how it all works.”  Mark Ballas, 24, said that he did get the “sex talk” from his parents and did know how it all works, but he didn’t have time to put on a condom, “We were in the groove. We didn’t want to mess up our routine.”

When Levi Johnston heard about his ex-wife, the “woman-that-gave-me-a-life” he said, “Mark Ballas is hot.  I would have slept with him, too.  He has great abs. They’re not as good as mine, but they’re good.”  Levi was disappointed that Bristol decided to call Mark Ballas “Baby-Daddy” and he would be called “asshat” from now on.

After learning that Bristol was pregnant again, Sarah Palin told her husband, the First Dude, to make a chastity belt for Bristol.  “She needs to lock that thing up. Throw away the key!”

Producers of Dancing With The Stars are deciding whether to let Bristol continue to compete in the show.  “Technically, there are three of them dancing, and this is a couples competition.

Asked whether he was going to marry Bristol, Mark Ballas simply said, “Dancers don’t get married.  It’s not good for  our footwork.”  Bristol’s other baby, Tripp, was unavailable for comment.  He doesn’t speak yet.  But some observers said they thought they saw him shake his head in disgust.

LABOR DAY RENAMED SEX DAY

WASHINGTON -  Due to the poor economy, Congress voted today to rename Labor Day. This year it will be called “Sex Day.”

Leaders of the House and Senate called their members back to Washington today for a vote on renaming Labor Day.  Nancy Pelosi told reporters, “There are too many people out of work to have a proper Labor Day celebration. It just reminds people how bad the economy is. It’s too depressing. At the same time, we learned this week that the U.S. birth rate is at a all-time low, so we need to encourage our citizens to have sex and make more American babies.”

“What better way to spend a day off than having sex all day,” said Vice President Biden, who initiated the plan for Sex Day.  “And since nobody really has any money for vacations anymore, why not just go into the bedroom and take a little sex vacation with your loved one?  It’s free, it’s fun and… the kids you’ll have next May will love it!”

Conservatives immediately objected to the renaming of Labor Day. “Sex is not the answer!  We need job, job, jobs,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell.  But when Scott Brown, Senator of Massachusetts was asked what he thought he said, “Actually, I think sex is the answer.  I don’t know what the question is, but sex is always a good answer.”

Americans across the country seem to be embracing the new name for the September holiday.   Many Americans are planning on staying at home and “getting busy.”  “I like the idea,” said Jonathan Wilson of New York.  “Maybe my wife will alter our sex schedule for once.”  Wilson’s wife, Cheryl, responded, “Maybe my husband will last more than two minutes on Monday.”

Congress is hoping for a big baby boom next May.  “What would be perfect if we had millions of babies born next May 1st, which is International Worker’s Day. We can make all those babies official members of the AFL-CIO upon birth.  That’s be wonderful for the country.”

The first Labor Day in the United States was celebrated on September 5, 1882 in New York City. It became a federal holiday in 1894, when, following the deaths of a number of workers at the hands of the U.S. military and U.S. Marshals during the Pullman Strike, President Grover Cleveland  put reconciliation with the labor movement as a top political priority. Fearing further conflict, Labor Day was made a national holiday .

There’s no conflict this year, so Sex Day is a national holiday.

Lola Ridge, a 25-year-old escort in New York City strongly supports the new holiday.  “I think everybody should have sex, not just couples trying to have babies. There should be one day a year where everybody should be ordered to have sex.  And if you’re in New York, call me.  I’ll give you a holiday discount.”

President Obama plans to go to Camp David for the national day of sex.    He recommends all Americans rest up on Sunday in order to prepare for a wild day on Monday.  “Get your freak on,” said President Obama.

Let the foreplay begin!

FEDS DEPORT SHERIFF JOE

MARICOPA COUNTY -  The Department of Justice had Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio arrested and deported yesterday.

The U.S. Department of Justice on Thursday announced it had sued Joe Arpaio, the controversial sheriff of Maricopa County  in Arizona, for failing to turn over documents in an investigation of whether his aggressive operations against illegal immigrants had violated civil rights. Shortly after, FBI agents went to Sheriff Joe’s office and arrested him.

In a bold move, that is sure to cause more animosity between the citizens of Arizona and the federal government, the Obama Administration then had Sheriff Joe deported.  “Sheriff Joe has been causing trouble for Mexicans ever since he was elected in 1992,” said Attorney General Eric Holder.  “We need Sheriff’s in Arizona that will treat Mexicans and illegal immigrants with love and kindness, not with law and order.”

For his own safety, Federal authorities did not deport him to Mexico.  Instead, they gave him a one-way ticket to Fiji.  He’ll be met at the airport by the leader of the Turaga tribe.  “Sheriff Joe will be one of us from now. He will spend the rest of his life making wooden bowls and grass skirts,”  said Chief Roku Katvadu.

“Hey, the President would love to go to Fiji himself, but he’s too busy with his vacations,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  “Sheriff Joe will be free in Fijiand illegal immigrants will be free in Phoenix.  It’s a win-win situation.”

The arrest and deportation of Sheriff Joe came two months after a Justice Department lawsuit halted a tough new Arizona immigration law, which Arpaio strongly supported. The deportation of Sheriff Joe is unrelated to the immigration law and stems from an investigation into the sheriff’s immigration enforcement operations.  “He’s just too tough on criminals,” said Eric Holder.  “Many criminals have had difficult childhoods or have had their hearts broken by their lovers. We need to be more compassionate and understanding. Sheriff Joe was mean.”

“The actions of the sheriff’s office are unprecedented,” said Thomas E. Perez, assistant attorney general for the civil rights division, in a statement.  “I think he should have been locked up in his own jail for the rest of his life, but I guess if he’s in Fiji making bowls, he can’t do any damage here.”

Arpaio is the first American citizen to be deported by the Federal Government.  “Hey, President Obama likes to be the first at everything, ” said Rahm Emanuel.

Arpaio was unavailable for comment, he was busy getting a pig bone rammed through his nose.

Here’s a video about Sheriff Joe’s Tent City Jail.  He denied prisoners television.  Something that Eric Holder called “torture.”

ASHTON LEAVES DEMI FOR BETTY

LOS ANGELES -  Rumors of Ashton Kutcher cheating on Demi are true.  He’s with Betty White now.

Ashton Kutcher’s five-year marriage to Demi Moore may be coming to an end. Allegedly Ashton was spotted with his hands and lips all over another woman – Betty White.

Betty and Ashton were seen kissing at an Italian restaurant in the LA area.

An eyewitness at the Italian restaurant said, ” Ashton had this gorgeous, older woman pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her. I was shocked to see him sucking face with a woman who was clearly older than Demi.  When Ashton pulled his face away, I could see it was Betty White.  It made me happy to see her making out, but I’m not sure he’s good enough for her.”

Kutcher originally took to Twitter on Wednesday to slam rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. “I think Star magazine calling me a ‘cheater’ qualifies as defamation of character. I hope my lawyer agrees,” he wrote. “STAR magazine – you don’t get to stand behind ‘freedom of the press’ when you are writing fiction.”

But after the eyewitness came forward, Ashton came clean on Twitter.  “Yes, I am having an affair with Betty White.  We are madly in love.  I love Demi, but I just love Betty more.  I know everyone in American can understand.”

Kutcher went on to say that he would be filing for divorce.  That may not be the smartest thing to do because Betty White isn’t interested in settling down any time soon.  “I’m just playing the field right now. Ashton’s got a nice body, but there’s lot of nice bodies out there and I plan on checking out a whole bunch of them.  I don’t want to be tied down to one man.  I’m too young!”

Betty is part of a  new “panther” movement sweeping the country:  senior women dating young men.    Go, Betty, Go!

Here’s one of the many, many reasons Ashton (and America) loves Betty White:

OVAL OFFICE MAKEOVER

WASHINGTON, DC -  President Obama decided the Oval Office needed a major “change.”

The Oval Office Makeover is done.   The new comfy atmosphere is complete with an Oval Office bed, pictures of the President’s favorite musicians and golf clubs.  The President is very pleased with the redesign. Every president makes some small, insignificant changes to the oval office, but President Obama elected to go for a full makeover.  Some changes were made a few short hours before he delivered his speech on the policies that affect the war in Iraq, but that was only the beginning.

After the speech, the makeover crew really went to town.  ABC’s Ty Pennington, the host of Extreme Home Makeover, went into The White House with twenty day-workers he picked up from Home Depot and did a quick one-hour remodel.  “The President wanted a more casual atmosphere to work in.  A queen-sized bed was just the thing he needed. This way he could think about world affairs from behind his desk or on his 1,ooo thread count sheets.  It’s a bed worthy of a king.”

White House staffers quickly dispelled rumors that President Obama wanted to follow in Bill Clinton’s footsteps and do a little “hanky-panky” in the Oval Office.  “President Obama is devoted to Michelle.  He just wants to be able to nap during the long day and he also thought it’d be fun to have staff meetings on the bed.  He feels his advisors will be more open and honest with him if they were all sitting on a bed,” said Valerie Jarrett, Senior Advisor to the President, from the Oval Office bed.

Interior Designer, Daniel Kucan,  explained the new Oval Office artwork.  “President Obama was sick of looking at dead white guys on the walls.  Dionne Warwick is a favorite of the President, so her picture was essential.  And we have the Earth, Wind and Fire logo – which is President Obama’s favorite band.  It really puts him in a good mood.”

Some White House reporters questioned why President Obama put the crescent moon, the Islamic symbol on the wall.  “The President has said repeatedly that America is one of the largest Muslim nations in the world and he feels it is only right to put the crescent moon on the wall.  There is also a cross on the wall,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  Many reporters looked hard, but couldn’t find the cross.  “It’s right there, underneath Dionne’s armpit. Can’t you see it?”  Gibbs said.

Rahm Emanuel explained why the President needed golf clubs in The White House. “The man loves golf.  And if he feels like putting around during the day, he should putt.  It really bothered him that his daughter beat him in miniature golf.  He wants to improve his game.”

Everybody has an opinion about the new Oval Office design.  But it doesn’t matter – what’s done is done.  President Obama plans to enjoy the Oval Office for another six years and he hopes when the next President takes over (in 2017), he (or she) will enjoy the Oval Office bed as well.

Here’s a little Dionne for you.   It’ll get you in that Oval Office mood.

PLASTIC BAGS ATTACK!

SANTA MONICA -  Angered by California lawmakers who attempted to ban them, millions of plastic bags attacked California this morning.

After much debate, California lawmakers rejected a bill that would have made the state the first in the US to ban all plastic shopping bags.  But plastic bags, under fire for years now, couldn’t take it anymore and have begun a massive invasion of California.

An anonymous representative for the Plastic Bag Army told WWN, “California is trying to keep us out of the state. They are discriminating against us because we are plastic.  But plastic is essential to life in California. Why they want to keep us out, we don’t know… but we are fighting back.”

Border Patrol Agents in San Diego County are overwhelmed.  “It’s an al- out invasion. We don’t have the manpower to fight them off!”  said Border Patrol Chief, John Comito.  “The skies darkened a bit this morning and we couldn’t determine what exactly it was, then we saw a swarm of plastic bags coming over the horizon.  Everyone ran for cover.”

The Plastic Bag Army is not only coming by air, but large numbers of plastic bags have been seen in cars, ATVs, on horseback and many have been seen wafting through the tunnels that have been used by illegal immigrants in recent years.  The illegal immigrants are also afraid of the bags.  “These are not Mexican plastic bags. They are American bags sent to harm and kill Mexicans,” said Fernando Valez.  “We will fight back against these bags.  We have machetes.”

After hearing about the threat of machetes, the Plastic Bag Army spokesman chuckled and said, “let them use their machetes or guns or knives… We will prevail. We can fly higher, move faster, and have the ability to suffocate a person in seconds. This is war.”

Missy Canon was drying her laundry outside her Valencia home, when a huge swarm of Ralph’s plastic bags came over the horizon.  Missy ran for her life, but the bags were too fast.  She was found with a Costco bag over her head.  “We sent officers over right away, but they were all taken out by the bags as well,” said Valencia Police Chief Roland Myers.  “We lost ten officers.”

California residents are perplexed by the violent behavior of the bags. “We don’t understand this.  We didn’t ban them!  They are welcome here.  We love plastic bags,” said a frightened Marcus Little of Oceanside.

“They lie.  They may have rejected the ban now, but they still want to keep us out. They are pushing paper and reusable bags,” said the PBA spokesman.  We won’t go down without a fight.”

So, have you switched to reusable shopping bags, yet?

Learn about the life of the beautiful plastic bag:

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