MIKE SORRENTINO’S ABS BUY A BENTLEY

NEW YORK, NY – The Situation is taking over Mike Sorrentino’s life!

Mike Sorrentino has risen to fame thanks to the Jersey Shore and The Situation. Sorrentino is the brains of his operation and The Situation aka his abs is the beauty. Over the course of his Jersey Shore stardom, The Situation has taken on a life of it’s own. There isn’t a moment where Mike’s abs aren’t on display and he can’t go 5 minutes without taking his shirt off. Well … WWN has learned it’s because the abs are alive!

We’ve seen glimpses of Mike Sorrentino as a kind and caring individual. Always cooking dinner for his housemates and being a shoulder to cry on. However, come nightfall, a new person comes alive and engages into creep mode (scoring hot girls). It’s like a man turning into a werewolf – it’s an uncontrollable science and it’s taking it toll on Sorrentino.

“I am very thankful for my success and fame right now, but I don’t feel like myself,” Sorrentino told us. “My abs have taken over me and I don’t have control over them. I binge on fast food, soda and just pure fat, but after it all, my abs are still there. I don’t know what to do. I’m losing my mind.”

His abs have struck again. Sorrentino, thanks to The Situation, has purchased a Bentley. A very nice car for a very nice set of abs.

“I didn’t want that car. I don’t need that car,” Sorrentino added. “What is happening. Something has to be done.”

Those abs will surely be on full display once the new Dancing with the Stars season takes off.

THE STIG’S IDENTITY REVEALED

ENGLAND – A character shrouded in mystery has finally had his identity revealed!

The Stig has become one of the most popular TV characters in Britain. As the always-anonymous test driver on the television “Top Gear,” his identity has long been a closely guarded secret. His opaque visor on his famous helmet has been his trademark and was as much as anyone knew about him. That has all changed.

On Wednesday, lawyers said the BBC had been refused an injunction blocking the publication of a book revealing the identity of the character. The Stig is a mystery no more!

“Shortly after, publishers HarperCollins said in a statement that a 33-year-old racing driver named Ben Collins “has a great story to tell about his seven years as The Stig, which will appeal to a wide audience beyond just motoring enthusiasts.”

Calling it a “victory for freedom of speech,” HarperCollins said the book will be published in Britain on Sept. 16.

The show has a long-standing policy of not commenting on The Stig’s identity. A “Top Gear” spokeswoman said no decision has been made on whether the character will be back when the show returns.

“Top Gear” is one of BBC’s most successful programs, and is seen in more than 100 countries around the world. Alongside the show’s three garrulous hosts, The Stig is an always-silent presence, fearlessly navigating the show’s test tracks in glamorous cars.

You would think that after such mystery, good old Ben would be a little more intimidating. He should probably keep the helmet on.

OVAL OFFICE MAKEOVER

WASHINGTON, DC -  President Obama decided the Oval Office needed a major “change.”

The Oval Office Makeover is done.   The new comfy atmosphere is complete with an Oval Office bed, pictures of the President’s favorite musicians and golf clubs.  The President is very pleased with the redesign. Every president makes some small, insignificant changes to the oval office, but President Obama elected to go for a full makeover.  Some changes were made a few short hours before he delivered his speech on the policies that affect the war in Iraq, but that was only the beginning.

After the speech, the makeover crew really went to town.  ABC’s Ty Pennington, the host of Extreme Home Makeover, went into The White House with twenty day-workers he picked up from Home Depot and did a quick one-hour remodel.  “The President wanted a more casual atmosphere to work in.  A queen-sized bed was just the thing he needed. This way he could think about world affairs from behind his desk or on his 1,ooo thread count sheets.  It’s a bed worthy of a king.”

White House staffers quickly dispelled rumors that President Obama wanted to follow in Bill Clinton’s footsteps and do a little “hanky-panky” in the Oval Office.  “President Obama is devoted to Michelle.  He just wants to be able to nap during the long day and he also thought it’d be fun to have staff meetings on the bed.  He feels his advisors will be more open and honest with him if they were all sitting on a bed,” said Valerie Jarrett, Senior Advisor to the President, from the Oval Office bed.

Interior Designer, Daniel Kucan,  explained the new Oval Office artwork.  “President Obama was sick of looking at dead white guys on the walls.  Dionne Warwick is a favorite of the President, so her picture was essential.  And we have the Earth, Wind and Fire logo – which is President Obama’s favorite band.  It really puts him in a good mood.”

Some White House reporters questioned why President Obama put the crescent moon, the Islamic symbol on the wall.  “The President has said repeatedly that America is one of the largest Muslim nations in the world and he feels it is only right to put the crescent moon on the wall.  There is also a cross on the wall,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  Many reporters looked hard, but couldn’t find the cross.  “It’s right there, underneath Dionne’s armpit. Can’t you see it?”  Gibbs said.

Rahm Emanuel explained why the President needed golf clubs in The White House. “The man loves golf.  And if he feels like putting around during the day, he should putt.  It really bothered him that his daughter beat him in miniature golf.  He wants to improve his game.”

Everybody has an opinion about the new Oval Office design.  But it doesn’t matter – what’s done is done.  President Obama plans to enjoy the Oval Office for another six years and he hopes when the next President takes over (in 2017), he (or she) will enjoy the Oval Office bed as well.

Here’s a little Dionne for you.   It’ll get you in that Oval Office mood.

PLASTIC BAGS ATTACK!

SANTA MONICA -  Angered by California lawmakers who attempted to ban them, millions of plastic bags attacked California this morning.

After much debate, California lawmakers rejected a bill that would have made the state the first in the US to ban all plastic shopping bags.  But plastic bags, under fire for years now, couldn’t take it anymore and have begun a massive invasion of California.

An anonymous representative for the Plastic Bag Army told WWN, “California is trying to keep us out of the state. They are discriminating against us because we are plastic.  But plastic is essential to life in California. Why they want to keep us out, we don’t know… but we are fighting back.”

Border Patrol Agents in San Diego County are overwhelmed.  “It’s an al- out invasion. We don’t have the manpower to fight them off!”  said Border Patrol Chief, John Comito.  “The skies darkened a bit this morning and we couldn’t determine what exactly it was, then we saw a swarm of plastic bags coming over the horizon.  Everyone ran for cover.”

The Plastic Bag Army is not only coming by air, but large numbers of plastic bags have been seen in cars, ATVs, on horseback and many have been seen wafting through the tunnels that have been used by illegal immigrants in recent years.  The illegal immigrants are also afraid of the bags.  “These are not Mexican plastic bags. They are American bags sent to harm and kill Mexicans,” said Fernando Valez.  “We will fight back against these bags.  We have machetes.”

After hearing about the threat of machetes, the Plastic Bag Army spokesman chuckled and said, “let them use their machetes or guns or knives… We will prevail. We can fly higher, move faster, and have the ability to suffocate a person in seconds. This is war.”

Missy Canon was drying her laundry outside her Valencia home, when a huge swarm of Ralph’s plastic bags came over the horizon.  Missy ran for her life, but the bags were too fast.  She was found with a Costco bag over her head.  “We sent officers over right away, but they were all taken out by the bags as well,” said Valencia Police Chief Roland Myers.  “We lost ten officers.”

California residents are perplexed by the violent behavior of the bags. “We don’t understand this.  We didn’t ban them!  They are welcome here.  We love plastic bags,” said a frightened Marcus Little of Oceanside.

“They lie.  They may have rejected the ban now, but they still want to keep us out. They are pushing paper and reusable bags,” said the PBA spokesman.  We won’t go down without a fight.”

So, have you switched to reusable shopping bags, yet?

Learn about the life of the beautiful plastic bag:

CONAN O’BRIEN NAMES UPCOMING SHOW

NEW YORK, NY – The suspense is finally over – Conan O’Brien has a name for his show!

Love him, hate him or don’t care about him – regardless, Conan O’Brien will have a new show this fall. His “new show” will debut on November 8 on TBS. There has been much speculation as to what he would name it – edge of your seat kind of stuff. The wait is over and the funny man has spoken…

“Conan”

That’s it. Quick and to the point.

“It’s ‘Conan,’ simple, pure, like the guy himself,” O’Brien said in a Youtube video released first to NY Magazine’s Vulture blog and TeamCoco.com.

O’Brien has been out of the headlines for a bit now. The ugly divorce from NBC and the “Tonight” show is behind him – and he’s gone ahead with very successful ventures. He also walked away from the divorce with pockets full of millions of dollars.

In the video, O’Brien appears behind a desk in a bare office.

“I’ve still got the beard,” he says, “and a pretty crappy office.”

He jokes that he spent millions of dollars and had legal and media research teams look into potential names, but ultimately came up with “Conan.”

JOHN CUSACK FORMS SATANIC CULT

HOLLYWOOD – John Cusack forms satanic cult to rid the planet of “GOP welfare freaks.”

Actor John Cusack went on a Twitter rampage Sunday evening, attacking former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and Fox News.  He tweeted, “I am for a satanic death cult center at Fox News HQ and outside the offices of Ordick, Armey and Newt Gingrich and all the GOP welfare freaks.”

Cusack got his wish when the Council of Satanic Death Cults (CSDC) announced today that they would be forming a Death Cult that will serve under their new leader, John Cusack.   Grand Dragon Cusack said, “I am honored that the CSDC thought I was evil enough to lead this council of 1,000 proud demons and bedwetters.  I accept. I vow to serve with dishonor and disrespect.”

Cusack has long been outspoken about politics. He supported Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election and has contributed to The Huffington Post, but this is the first known time he has stooped to the level of making threats. This pleased Lord Demon Michael Moore of the CSDC said, “We are proud that John has decided to join our circle of celebrity demons, which includes Rosie O’Donnell, Mel Gibson, and Bugs Bunny.  Yes, Bugs is on our side.”

The Council for GOP Welfare Freaks (CGWF) has countered by forming an Angelic Life Cult that will seek to bathe Cusack and his Death Cult Demons in “beautiful, white light,”  according to its new leader, Carrie Prejean.  Prejean has sent several white doves over to Cusack’s house as a means to “show that we are people of peace.”   Cusack immediately bit off the heads of the doves and then tossed them into the Pit of Cusack Fire – a raging eternal flame that he had installed in his basement (the CSDC will meet in the flame every Wednesday).

Fox News has formed its own John Cusack Fox News Cult (JCFNC).  This JCFNC will ridicule Cusack on a daily basis and will give Cusack plenty of air time to destroy his own career.

JOHN CUSACK FORMS SATANIC CULT

HOLLYWOOD – John Cusack forms satanic cult to rid the planet of “GOP welfare freaks.”

Actor John Cusack went on a Twitter rampage Sunday evening, attacking former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and Fox News.  He tweeted, “I am for a satanic death cult center at Fox News HQ and outside the offices of Ordick, Armey and Newt Gingrich and all the GOP welfare freaks.”

Cusack got his wish when the Council of Satanic Death Cults (CSDC) announced today that they would be forming a Death Cult that will serve under their new leader, John Cusack.   Grand Dragon Cusack said, “I am honored that the CSDC thought I was evil enough to lead this council of 1,000 proud demons and bedwetters.  I accept. I vow to serve with dishonor and disrespect.”

Cusack has long been outspoken about politics. He supported Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election and has contributed to The Huffington Post, but this is the first known time he has stooped to the level of making threats. This pleased Lord Demon Michael Moore of the CSDC said, “We are proud that John has decided to join our circle of celebrity demons, which includes Rosie O’Donnell, Mel Gibson, and Bugs Bunny.  Yes, Bugs is on our side.”

The Council for GOP Welfare Freaks (CGWF) has countered by forming an Angelic Life Cult that will seek to bathe Cusack and his Death Cult Demons in “beautiful, white light,”  according to its new leader, Carrie Prejean.  Prejean has sent several white doves over to Cusack’s house as a means to “show that we are people of peace.”   Cusack immediately bit off the heads of the doves and then tossed them into the Pit of Cusack Fire – a raging eternal flame that he had installed in his basement (the CSDC will meet in the flame every Wednesday).

Fox News has formed its own John Cusack Fox News Cult (JCFNC).  This JCFNC will ridicule Cusack on a daily basis and will give Cusack plenty of air time to destroy his own career.

USAIN BOLT – TO PLAY FOR MANCHESTER UNITED?

ENGLAND – Usain Bolt has aspiration of playing soccer and he’s setting his sights on one of the best teams!

What do Usain Bolt and Manchester United have in common? Well for now, greatness is about it. Bolt has become one of the greatest sprinters in history. United is one of the – if not the – greatest team in world. However, if it’s up to Bolt, the two will have a lot more in common in the future.

The three-time Olympic gold medalist feels as though he’s good enough to play professional soccer and United is his team of choice. Bolt spoke of his aspirations in his autobiography – set to be released on Thursday.

“Ideally, if I was to play football, I’d sign for my favorite team – Manchester United,” he writes. “People say it’s not realistic but nobody has seen me play so you never know. If Manchester United coach Alex Ferguson saw me in one of those charity matches he might think I could replace United midfielder Ryan Giggs.”

Manchester United is the joint most successful club in the history of English football – tied with Liverpool. Usain Bolt seems to win anything and everything he competes in. It would appear to be a match made in heaven. But all of this is just speculation and we would have to wait and see if the Jamaican sprinter actually pursues his dream.

There is no doubt that in the world of soccer, speed is revered. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are two of the greatest players in soccer today and speed is on their calling card. Bolt’s speed and celebrity status would certainly get him a tryout somewhere. Whether he has skills or not, remains to be seen.

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