A leading theologian has proved beyond the shadow of a doubt – the temperature of hell is 285 degrees Fahrenheit!

And even though Dr. Stanford Brice warns against it, you can easily give yourself a dose of Hades by preheating your oven to 285 and briefly sticking your hand in it.

“If you’ve ever reached into a hot oven to retrieve a turkey or a roast you have given yourself a taste of hell without even knowing it,” the expert told reporters at a news conference in Sacramento, California.

“The precise temperature of hell might not sound all that intense. But when you expose yourself to 285 degree heat, even for a few seconds, you begin to realize how painful it can really be.

“I certainly don’t want to overstate the importance of my research,” he added. “But I think people deserve to know what they’re getting into if they don’t live the good life that will ensure their entry into heaven.”

The expert reached his conclusions at the end of an exhaustive five-year study of ancient religious texts, including portions of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

According to his report, the earliest references to hell merely spoke of intense, agonizing heat.

But later writings specifically likened the temperature of hell to that of a rock that had been heated in a roaring fire.

In a series of tests Dr. Brice heated a wide variety of rocks in fires of varying intensity and measured how hot they got. When all was said and done the average temperature of the rocks was 285 Fahrenheit – leading the expert to conclude that he had found the precise temperature of hell.

Skeptics have argued that the writings the expert referred to in his studies have no basis in fact. Rice himself is convinced that they were divinely inspired – and insists that they are accurate.

“I truly believe that God spoke directly to these ancient authors an told them exactly what to write,” he said. “When you get right down to it, what you believe or disbelieve is a matter of faith.”

No less a figure than Dr. Paul Cabart, the famed French theologian, has spoken out in support of Rice.

He told reporters: “If you study the Bible and other religious texts you know that God has provided us with the answers to every important question we might ask.

“By thoroughly studying the ancient texts and applying the scientific method to what he found, I firmly believe that Dr. Brice has found the temperature of hell.”

JOHANNESBURG – A 507 carat diamond was recently discovered in South Africa!

The diamond was found in the Cullinan mine near Pretoria, South Africa.

To put it into perspective, it is the size of a chicken egg, and weighs about a quarter of a pound!

It is said to be of exceptional color and clarity, and is in the world’s top 20 largest high quality rough diamonds ever found.

The same mine produced the world’s largest diamond ever found, the world famous Cullinan diamond. It was over 3,000 carats, and was presented to King Edward VII. It now sits in a scepter as part of Britain’s crown jewels.

The mine has produced a number of the world’s other largest diamonds, but the De Beers company sold it to Petra Diamond in 2007, believing it had become less profitable.

A spokesman said the diamond’s worth will be announced once it has been fully examined.

WASHINGTON, DC – Congressman Alan Grayson took an interesting approach to simplifying the GOP’s ideas on health care.

Congressman Alan Grayson, a Democrat from Florida’s 8th district, was allowed to take the floor to speak on the universal health care plan being debated.

He decided to use his time to present his simplified understanding of the GOP’s supposed health care plan.

The result? Well, take a look…

MONTREAL – The billionaire founder of famous circus Cirque du Soleil paid $35 million to fly into space!

“Billionaire clown” Guy Laliberte, 50, founded Cirque du Soleil, a Montreal-based circus company that has spun off numerous touring shows. As the 95% share holder of the company, he currently has a net worth of $2.5 billion!

It is no surprise that Laliberte became Canada’s first space tourist this morning, when he took off on board Soyuz TMA-16 to the International Space Station. He was accompanied by U.S. astronaut Jeffrey Williams and Russian cosmonaut Maxim Surayev.

His partner, former model Claudia Barilla, was initially nervous about his trip but ultimately agreed to it. She wore a yellow clown nose as she and other friends sang Elton John’s “Rocket Man” during Laliberte’s take-off.

Laliberte plans to use his trip to help publicize the world’s growing shortage of clean water. He will arrive at the space station on Friday, and return to Earth 12 days later.

There have been only six previous self-funded space tourists. They have all been multimillionaire or billionaire entrepreneurs. The Russian Space Agency is the only one to allow citizens to buy passage, however a number of start-up companies are attempting to create a space tourism industry.

I’m madder than the catcher at a javelin meet!

So the Communist-in-Chief and Okra Winfred flew to one of those foreign country we saved from the Krauts, to ask the Europes to let Chicago have the Olympics.

First off, the Olympics are crap. They’re supposed to help world peace, but there’ve been MORE wars since the Olympics started. You can look it up!

(Same thing for global warming: if it really is true that the earth is one degree warmer now than a hundred years ago, and the Olympics started up a hundred years ago – you do the math! Can you prove there’s no connection? Take that, tofu-suckers!)

But if we have to have Olympics, let them come to Chicago. They can add all kinds of new games. Instead of the javelin throw, they can have the railroad tie throw, where you have to aim for an honor student’s head.

Or instead of the marathon, you can have the Running of the Crooks, like Blago! And put Bill Ayers in charge of the fireworks!

Speaking of students: the Teleprompter Kid wants to take away summer vacation and make kids go to school year round. He’s right about that: when was the last time your kid got out of bed before 2 o’clock, let alone went out to pick crops in the fields?

Only trouble is: the more time your kids spend in school, the more brainwashing they’ll get. Every day on the computer machine I see a new video of kids singing about Obama like he’s Jesus, except you can’t sing about Jesus in school anyhow!

Also they might become honor students if they study to much, and these days, that can kill you!