“It’s a Vampire”

J. F. Hope, an animal trainer and dealer at 35 North Ninth street, issued a statement saying that the strange bird beast is "an Australian vampire devil" which escaped from him ten days ago.

ATHEIST BILLBOARD DEFACED

CHARLOTTE, NC – A group of atheists are upset after their billboard was vandalized!

The words ‘Under God” were spray painted on a billboard funded by a group of atheists. The Charlotte atheist association put up the ad and discovered it vandalized on Monday. The billboard will remain defaced until after July 4, the group reports, which is the soonest that workers can furnish a new billboard.

The billboard reads, “One Nation Indivisible” on a backdrop of an American flag. The phrase precedes the 1954 insertion of the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance, Charlotte Observer’s Tim Funk reports. The billboard had been up for all of a week and it was constructed on Billy Graham Parkway.

Similar North Carolina ads have gone up in Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, Raleigh, and Winston-Salem as a Fourth of July project by the area’s atheist association. The group has filed a police report.

“It was done by one or two people off on their own who decided their only recourse was vandalism rather than having a conversation,” Charlotte Atheists & Agnostics spokesman William Warren said. “It does show how needed our message is. As atheists, we want to let people know we exist and that there’s a community here.”

From KING KONG To PLANET OF THE APES

Though many news outlets are reporting that Serkis will be donning an ape costume and makeup similar to the kind made famous by John Chambers in the 1960s and 70s, it is safe to assume from the reports that have surfaced that the actor will once again be used as a model for a CGI character.

SARAH PALIN MOCKED FOR SPEECH

LONG BEACH, CA – Sarah Palin is up to her usual antics – making headlines for the wrong reasons!

Sarah Palin’s speech at California State University didn’t go according to plan. Addressing a crowd at a fundraiser, Palin thought that she would make her speech more memorable by paying homage to a highly esteemed alum, Ronald Reagan.

“This is Reagan country, and perhaps it was destiny that the man who went to California’s Eureka College would become so woven within and interlinked to the Golden State,” Palin told the crowd.

Unfortunately for Palin, her research and preparation for the speech was just a little off. Reagan went to Eureka College in Illinois from 1928 to 1932, not in California. The former president didn’t move out to California until five years after his graduation. There’s actually no Eureka College in California. Add that one onto the former Alaska governor’s list of incredible gaffes.

Immediately after her speech, a live microphone caught voices in the press area trashing Palin, Mediate reported. “The dumbness doesn’t just come from soundbites,” one complained. The Fox affiliate, Fox40, owned the microphone but says their reporters did not make the comments.

“I feel like I just got off a roller coaster, going round and round,” another said. “S*** flying out everywhere.”

“I don’t know how we’re gonna make a story out of that,” another voice is heard saying.

“The comments overheard were made by reporters assembled from other newspaper and television outlets,” the station said. “At no time was the voice of our photographer or our reporter heard on the stream.”

Regardless of Palin’s mistake, the fundraiser was still a success. The gathering brought in more than $200,000, making it the most successful fundraiser in the university’s history, said university foundation board President Matt Swanson.

LARISSA RIQUELME TO RUN NAKED IF PARAGUAY WINS

SOUTH AFRICA – One lingerie model has given Paraguay another reason to win the World Cup!

The country of Paraguay is feeling pretty good today. The country advanced to the World Cup quarterfinals for the first time in its history by beating Japan on penalty kicks. Many didn’t pick Paraguay to make it this far, but they have and now they have even more incentive to win the tournament.

Larissa Riquelme might be Paraguay’s number one fan. She’s a curvy, neck-snapping lingerie model who has been cheering the national team on from Asuncion, clad in revealing outfits. The 24-year-old beauty has vowed to run naked through the streets “with my body painted with the colors of Paraguay” if Paraguay wins the World Cup.

Riquelme has delighted spectators and photographers alike by showing up to root for her team and showing more than anyone could have hoped for. She’s not the only one to issue such a guarantee, as Argentina’s coach Diego Maradona vowed to run naked through Argentina if his team won the tournament. The only difference is that Riquelme will have the undivided “attention” of every man in Paraguay and South America while Maradona will likely just get some laughs.

The offer is on the table. All that is left is for Paraguay to defy the odds and give every warm blooded man in Paraguay an early Christmas. Get your cameras ready.

GRANDPA GAGA

NEW YORK, NY – One man’s dance moves has given Lady Gaga some positive publicity!

Lady Gaga’s behavior recently has raised some question marks. The pop diva has always marched to the beat of her own drum and that hasn’t always won the support of the public. Her music, however, is a different story as it has given way to “Grandpa Gaga.”

One Grandpa has become an internet sensation as his dance moves are ones to be reckoned with. Lady Gaga’s song Poker Face is the shot of energy that “Grandpa Gaga” needed to unleash a fury on the dance floor. As you can see from the video below, Lady Gaga may have found a solid backup dancer.

The Grandpa not only lasts for the entire song, but he also outdances guys half his age who try – and fail – to keep up. The rejuvenated Pops moves so fast at times that he appears as a blur on the video. “Grandpa Gaga” has inspired quite the following and his YouTube video has over 180,000 views and counting.

Check him out for yourself.

Varmints: Rich Resource!

Who would have thought that cryptozoological bibliographical researcher Chad Arment would produce a bigger book on the cryptid carnivores of North America than he'd written on his beloved snakes? Images.

ALIEN TELLS LARRY KING TO LEAVE CNN

BREAKING – On the advice of an alien, CNN host Larry King announced that he will be leaving his nightly talk show this Fall.

King, who has been a staple on CNN for 25 years, will transition to a part-time role at the network, hosting occasional specials on UFO sightings, alien abductions and Michael Jackson.

King discussed his decision on last night’s edition of Larry King Live.  “Before I start the show tonight, I want to share some personal news with you. 25 years ago, I sat across this table from New York Governor Mario Cuomo for the first broadcast of Larry King Live.  Now, decades later, after consulting with an alien here at CNN, I will be ending Larry King Live this fall.  CNN has graciously accepted, and I am happy I will have more time for my wife, my kids and an extended trip to Planet Zeeba.”

Larry King has taped numerous shows on aliens and one of his all-time most popular shows was about the federal government cover-up of the Roswell aliens.  Critics complained that King was too soft on the guests on this show, but the reason for this became clear last night when Larry made a startling revelation, “I was abducted by aliens in August 2003, shortly after I kissed Marlon Brando on air.  I was abducted along with Tammy from Memphis and we spent a week being asked rudimentary questions by a hunch backed alien in suspenders.  After they inserted 20-inch needles into my groin, I asked my abductor to marry me.  Next thing I know, I was back on set.  Hello, Cleveland!”

The alien was unavailable for comment, but sources on Zeeba say the alien repeatedly told King to hang up his suspenders.  Unfortunately, King had trouble hearing him.  Some believe the alien will abduct King again, others think King left the planet back in 2007.

Anonymous sources at CNN say that aliens have been running the network for the last ten years.  The investigative team at Weekly World News will be following up.

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